Belief makes the impossible become possible
I must Believe!
The taste in my mouth was dry and sour, and a powerful surge of energy was building up inside of my chest. Now was the time I thought as I silently scratched my name across the papers that would make my divorce final. Coming back from Central America after a four month backpack trek, I was feeling rejuvenated and alive. I was feeling free. The amount of personal power gained from the experience, I hoped, would carry me through this process. Just then a lump began to form in the back of my throat when I looked at my soon to be ex husband sitting next to me waiting for his turn to sign. We exchanged glances that appeared to read, “I have always cared deeply for you, but we both know our journey together has ended” followed by defeated smiles to try and keep the sadness at bay.
Driving away from that cramped, dim office that smelled oddly enough like my grandmothers house, I knew my life would never be the same. Central America had lit a spark in me that was steadily growing inside. A seed of hope, of curiosity, of adventure, and of challenge was forming, but this seed came attached to ancient roots buried in the depths of my past. Hidden shadows that danced in the background of my daydreams would begin haunting me as I drove east from California. “Your mad” they told me. “Backpack around the world? Throw away all that you have worked for? And then what? How will you survive? Are you insane?” As this relentless onslaught of doubt bombarded me, I continued on, my eyes growing heavy as the day gave way to the night. The flat plains and emptiness of New Mexico seemed to understand me and my loneliness, as it also appeared empty and void of anything substantially colorful. Looking in the side view mirror, I watched as my past disappeared with the sunset, as the miles began to separate me and all that had become so familiar.
Three long days later I reached the sunshine state and into the warmth of my mothers arms. Happy to be in a place that I knew was safe, my first instinct was to have a fight with those manic shadows that rode all those miles across the country with me. A tightening in my chest and throat began to form just from the thought of these little demons, so for the day I decided to change tactics. Picking up my magical daydreaming hammock, I was off again into nature to find my answers. As the gentle breeze blew, and the hammock rocked me slowly from side to side, I looked through the trees looming above me and into the sky. Small and large puffs of clouds slowly traveled by in many different forms and as I was being hypnotized by their ease in passing, my mind drifted off…
I dreamt that I was soaring up through the sky, having sprouted large wings from my back that shimmered as if they were made of the finest silk, and I was dancing as I flew amongst the clouds. My hair appeared to float as if I were underwater and I felt weightless. This dream led to another where I was swimming through the most beautiful, crystal clear waters, but not with the awkwardness of a human, no. It was graceful and effortless, the clean, refreshing water spilling over my skin, and I wondered if this is how dolphins felt as they played. Then the dream switched yet again and I was standing on top of a mountain, surrounded by the worlds cleanest, freshest powder. Noticing the board attached to my feet, I then jumped. Sailing down the mountain, the wind nipping at my face, I flew so quietly, so precise, so fast, and again I felt free.
Returning from this daydream I opened my eyes back to the sky to see that the clouds had gone their way. All that remained was an ocean of clear blue that seemed endless and limitless. As I stared into this boundless space, feelings of excitement began to arise with the thought of the upcoming adventure that would begin again, this time starting in Europe. The sun cut through the trees and mottled bits of my hammock as I rocked and twinkled in and out of my eyes. Taking in a huge breath, and releasing it with a smile, I climbed out of my hammock knowing that this adventure was for me.
The belief that it was possible was just within my reach, and I needed to grasp it and keep it with me forever. Semi-consciously I got into my car and started driving, not really knowing where I was going until I got there – which turned out to be a tattoo parlor. Walking inside, I started running my fingers down the walls which were covered in thousands of possibilities in permanence, and was greeted by two of the towns finest inking artists within seconds. They asked me what I was in the mood for today, and I sat down in the only chair available outside of the stations and closed my eyes.
Immediately the image came to mind, the one that would end up being the symbol of the trust I would need to sustain my faith during this trip. It was simple, it was clean, it was only one word. Opening my eyes, I looked at the men and said “Believe”. This one word would end up sustaining me through so many doubts, and become a mantra of sorts as I traveled onward in search of something beautiful, something fresh and new, something…
The first lesson in this something search was found in Betzigau Germany, on a large farm in the middle of just a whole bunch of other large farms… and cows, and forests, and one very accommodating family who changed my course for the better….