Pre Vipassana Meditation in India

my mind is a dark place, sri mooji, rishikesh india, satsang, vipassana meditation

Pre Vipassana Meditation in India

During my meditation the hands grip tighter around my neck and I struggle to swallow. The throat crushing force has held me now for four straight days, and I am beginning to wonder when it will finally either suffocate or release me. As I am slowly strangled, my mind has been let loose like a runaway tribe of wild horses tasting freedom for the first time. They stampede any attempt to rein them in, and leave me and those invisible hands face down in the mud as they roam the great plains of the inner most folds of my mind, trampling over anything positive and stirring up every possible doubt and fear imaginable.

Deep within I cry out, but no sound leaves my lips as my mouth has been glued shut from the inside. My body wants to kick and fight, but my energy has been held hostage by .. who? Me? Realizing that I am the cause of my suffering does not loosen the grip of the hands, does not calm the crazed horses, does not unstick the super glue.

Just yesterday I begged the universe to cut me some slack.. to help me return to the bubbly, entertained, laughing little girl I once remember hanging around, but cannot seem to find anywhere. It appears that she has also been trampled and left buried deep in the mud.

Tomorrow I will be sitting in silence as I attend a 10 day Vipassana Meditation Retreat. No books, no internet, no smoking, no disco balls, and no dancing girls. Just me and my shadows, the invisible hands, and those crazy horses. Interesting timing I think as I watch the full moon from the open train doors during the journey to the Dhamma Center in Punjab.

I am curious what secrets will be revealed to me, and if I will leave with some new insight. Before deciding on this meditation, I attended a Satsang with Sri Mooji in Rishikesh, India, and just a couple of days ago, a friend (Toby at who also attended this meeting in truth with me, sent me a link to Mooji’s post satsang video which proved to be very interesting indeed. He speaks of the mind being in full sabotage mode (exactly what I have been experiencing) and explains that this is not a sign that you are on the wrong path, no, it is a sign that you are on the right path. To watch Moojis video, please just scroll down and you can view it there.

Thoughts can be very mischievous I am noticing. They definitely do love to sabotage efforts of balance and peace, and the ego loves to fight for control. Let’s see if I can weaken the powerful grip the ego has on me, and leave (and live) a little bit lighter and brighter…

Have you ever experienced a seemingly hi-jacked mind? In what ways did you explore to find the truth and to see through the shadows? I would love to hear about your experiences if you care to share them in the comments section below!


4 Comments on “Pre Vipassana Meditation in India

  1. I have experienced this many times. It came to me after intense focus on God after Christian retreats when I was a young woman. Then I called my ego “The Devil” and I guess it wasn’t far off the mark.

    More recently, while I’ve been wrapped up in domestic life, I have brief periods of a kind of lucidity that descends on me when I’m doing something on auto pilot. The dishes, walking dogs, cooking. By no means is it an intensive process inward I am taking, but I get little bits of connectedness. I reach for a little at a time with intention, when I have solitary moments.
    About three days to a week after I reach a definite sense of breaking through to my true self and feeling confident that I’m on a good (if meandering) path I am rocked by ego. I go from feeling like a cloud to feeling like scum and not knowing why I despise and fight with myself. It’s a struggle that until now I thought was a set back, failure, weakness.

    Thank you for sharing this video, thank you for sharing your experience. I see that I’m doing alright for myself and I’ll just keep trying every day!

    • Thank you for sharing your experience Julie. I recently learned that you can “feed” these crazy demons or simply just observe this happening without any attachment to what is happening.. easier said than done from what I know! It can be quite the challenge to not want to control what is going on, and to not want to fight back, but I am also learning that with practice of observation those moments of feeling on cloud 9 versus feeling like scum start to change and the scummy part loses it power… huge hugs to you love. Thanks again for sharing 🙂

  2. I have experienced this a number of times and always fought against it. Until the beginning of this year when it came again. This time I would ask about it (repeatedly) and my inner voice always said the same thing, “Be at ease.” Of course I am much better at hearing my guidance now than in the past…so I don’t know if I was being told that before. So I kinda relaxed into it, into the sadness. And for months there it sat. Then started to go away. I recently read an article by Sandra Walters that was titled “How to loose your mind without loosing your mind”. Great title huh? Here is a quote from it…Along this path of Mastery, embodying the Cosmic Christ and the Higher Levels of the True Self, we embrace a phase of melancholia. Many in the collective experience this for prolonged periods of time; be clear about that phase of Ascension. Do not mistake it for depression.” The whole article resonated with me about earlier this year. I can’t know if it would speak to you too, we are all traveling our own path. I hope your meditation journey helped bring your dancing girl back.! Keep on keeping on! Xoxo

    • Hello Ester. Exactly!! Your inner voice is so right and it’s nice that you can not only hear it, but listen as well 😉 I am going to check for that article as the quote alone has me quite intrigued. Thank you for sharing that! Especially the “do not mistake it for depression” as I tell you what.. I have made that mistake many times this year already. Thank you for sharing and although the meditation itself did not bring me back dancing (quite the opposite actually), it did push me back toward a great teacher and friend who is guiding me again. Thank you for sharing here… you are loved <3

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