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The universe is held in a sparkling blue
Two sometimes three points outline satisfaction
As ice melts the temperature rises

Dancing until sunrise
I see that I am seen

Watched from a distance
The push is a pull

Dare I surrender?
Walk into the forever?

My heart beats faster
Melting into the blue

I dream of you…

Time passes by
And I wonder why
Our worlds did collide

Here I sit
The rain continues to fall
Feelings sink deeper
And then not at all

I watch as my mind
Replays moments
Of darkness and light
Of bliss and fright
Of fear and delight

Where this road will lead
I cannot know
It has had many twists and turns
Going from fast to slow

I wish that I could hear
That I had nothing to fear…

 

Pre Vipassana Meditation in India

The hands grip tighter around my neck and I struggle to swallow. The throat crushing force has held me now for four straight days, and I am beginning to wonder when it will finally either suffocate or release me. As I am slowly strangled, my mind has been let loose like a runaway tribe of wild horses tasting freedom for the first time. They stampede any attempt to rein them in, and leave me and those invisible hands face down in the mud as they roam the great plains of the inner most folds of my mind, trampling over anything positive and stirring up every possible doubt and fear imaginable.

Deep within I cry out, but no sound leaves my lips as my mouth has been glued shut from the inside. My body wants to kick and fight, but my energy has been held hostage by .. who? Me? Realizing that I am the cause of my suffering does not loosen the grip of the hands, does not calm the crazed horses, does not unstick the super glue.

Just yesterday I begged the universe to cut me some slack.. to help me return to the bubbly, entertained, laughing little girl I once remember hanging around, but cannot seem to find anywhere. It appears that she has also been trampled and left buried deep in the mud.

Tomorrow I will be sitting in silence as I attend a 10 day Vipassana Meditation Retreat. No books, no internet, no smoking, no disco balls, and no dancing girls. Just me and my shadows, the invisible hands, and those crazy horses. Interesting timing I think as I watch the full moon from the open train doors during the journey to the Dhamma Center in Punjab.

I am curious what secrets will be revealed to me, and if I will leave with some new insight. Before deciding on this meditation, I attended a Satsang with Sri Mooji in Rishikesh, India, and just a couple of days ago, a friend (Toby at www.blissfinder.me) who also attended this meeting in truth with me, sent me a link to Mooji’s post satsang video which proved to be very interesting indeed. He speaks of the mind being in full sabotage mode (exactly what I have been experiencing) and explains that this is not a sign that you are on the wrong path, no, it is a sign that you are on the right path. To watch Moojis video, please just scroll down and you can view it there.

Thoughts can be very mischievous I am noticing. They definitely do love to sabotage efforts of balance and peace, and the ego loves to fight for control. Let’s see if I can weaken the powerful grip the ego has on me, and leave (and live) a little bit lighter and brighter…

Have you ever experienced a seemingly hi-jacked mind? In what ways did you explore to find the truth and to see through the shadows? I would love to hear about your experiences if you care to share them in the comments section below!

 

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